Publish, n. In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in a cone of critics.
I own the New Yale Book of Quotations. It’s a big book, and it’s full of different quotations. There are quotations from time and history. Some of them of significant import (one small step for man…) and some of them less so (the entire section on commercial slogans). When I sit down to write something, I occasionally find it helpful to peruse the books index to see what other people have had to say about the topic I’m looking into. Sometimes I come up with some really juicy quotes. Sometimes I come up empty. Sometimes I find that most of the quotes are actually the opposite of what I want them to be.
In my quote-hunting, I came across a journalist from the late 19th and early 20th centuries named Ambrose Bierce. Perhaps I’m naïve for just now learning about him, but he was a journalist, satirist, and short story writer. I haven’t read his short stories, though my understanding is that they are quite grim and cynical. His horror stories seem to have been quite influential as well. But my encounters with him are of the more satirical variety, specifically in his book, “The Devil’s Dictionary.” The book is a compilation of satirical definitions of common (or uncommon words). This week, I just wanted to share a few that spoke to me. I don’t expect you to feel the same, but hope you find something fun here. If I missed one of your favorites, send it to me!
CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones.
CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for failure.
DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors.
EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
EPITAPH, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect
EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled.
EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbors.
GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.
IMPUNITY, n. Wealth.
INSURANCE, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.
JUSTICE, n. A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.
OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens.
OVERWORK, n. A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing.
PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.
PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom— and of whom only—it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.
RECONSIDER, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made.
RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve.
RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.
SCRIPTURES, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
SELF-EVIDENT, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else.
VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
I know this is not a particularly pertinent thing to share in this time and place, but it’s also what I have to share right now. I hope you enjoyed at least one of these, and if not, we’ll try again next week.
Peace,
Rev. Jeff Fox-Kline
Looking for an inclusive and welcoming Presbyterian church in Rochester, NY? We’d love for you to connect with us! Visit our website, Facebook, and YouTube to learn more, or join us in person at Twelve Corners Presbyterian Church, located at 1200 S. Winton Road in the heart of Brighton, NY. If you have any questions, feel free to call us at 585-244-8585 or reach out through our secure contact form. We look forward to welcoming you!
Comments